Several years ago, my child started participating in the regular “chore” type of upkeep of our home besides things like putting their dishes in the dishwasher, or putting dirty laundry in the hamper. I gave them a choice of tasks, and they chose to clean the toilets.
For years, on our designated days, my child cleans every toilet in our house. This includes wiping it down, ensuring it’s clean, and scrubbing the bowl.
Not once have I ever rewarded them for this. And if they asked if they could have extra screen time for example, I’d say no. Why? Because in short, I don’t want to send the message that participation in a home is extra or deserving of a reward. It’s worthy of doing because it’s worthy of doing.
Do they WANT to clean toilets every time? No. But I don’t want to clean either! We participate together, we race each other, we set a timer on our Alexa, or we find some other way of making it “fun”.
I know some people reward their kids with screens or a movie night or something depending on completing chores, reading books, or doing homework without being asked. If that works for your family, I’m thrilled for you, this isn’t criticism. I know for some kids a reward is great. But what I am very cognizant of is the association of a reward with a desired behavior. Because if what we want is a kid who grows into an adult who participates in the upkeep of their home, rewarding them might not accomplish that. It might instead mean our kid will expect to be rewarded for participating in the care of the home, or may see it as optional.
And one thing I feel is adding to this is the way we may socialize AFAB children versus AMAB children. Are we more likely to reward a child we are socializing as a boy because we feel like we have to convince or coerce him to participate in home care? Do we treat chores as a given for AFAB children and expect them to notice and participate in those things with more regularity?
I don't expect my child to be intrinsically motivated to clean toilets. I’m not. But I do have an intrinsic sense of PURPOSE of cleaning my house, and that is hard to cultivate if a child’s reason for doing it is to access a reward.
The question I ask myself with rewards is: am I ok with this being a long-term association? If so, then go for it. If not, maybe look for an alternative.
Do you use screens as a reward?
