But flash forward a couple decades, and the habits we may have learned in childhood could turn into “weaponized incompetence”. So, here’s a whole slew of phrases I use all the time to help build the skills that can help prevent “weaponized incompetence”.

Especially in kids, often times asking us for an answer is because they don’t know how to find information, OR, because frankly we tell them to ask for help. What we probably mean is “ask me to help you learn how to do this” but what they hear is “ask me and I’ll do it for you”. Because to them, “help” means “someone will do it for me.” After all, we “help” a toddler by putting their coat on, or tying their shoes. So we have to teach kids that as they grow, “help” looks like teaching them HOW to do something, including how to solve a problem.

Questions like “where have you already looked/what have you already tried/what comes next/what do the instructions say” is a way of redirecting someone back to the information available to them. It’s also a way of helping them build trust in themselves. And, it helps us make the invisible labor of “knowing things” more visible. If they have to tell us the five places they’ve looked for their homework, they are making that invisible labor visible to US, and, we in turn can respond by contributing to that labor with them, as opposed to simply doing it for them.

You may hear some of my phrasing, or delivery, or word choice and think “That wouldn’t work for me” or “that sounds too [something]”. That’s fine. Tweak it. Change it. Leave stuff out. These are ideas. I am not an actor. The goal here is to make it clear to kids that they are responsible for helping contribute to and solve problems in their lives and households, AND that we will help them build those skills.

Do you use these phrases?

🤯As you watch this, notice that we can address behavior and put in consequences without being punitive and without blaming the screen. In fact, the word “screen/video game” isn’t said a single time in this video. Why? Because the point isn’t to blame the screen. The point is to help kids build the skills of recognizing and addressing their needs. This could apply to screen time but also to any potentially activating activity.

🛑All families are different. Take what would work for your family, change it to fit your needs, leave the rest. These are ideas, not a strict script you have to follow

⏰When possible, be proactive. Yes, you may not be able to do this most of the time. But, when you can, tell them what you’re noticing in their body or behavior. It takes years to build these skills and concentrating on a screen can make it harder to notice. It’s a lot easier to address emotions before they get overwhelming.

💪🏼Give options but allow for choice. Depending on the age or development or needs of your child, they may do well with options or they may want to decide for themselves. You can experiment to see what works for them.

🤔I personally try to avoid weighing in about the choice they make. I have my own opinion but I try to keep it to myself. I want my kid to be making a choice and figuring out if it works for them, not feeling like their choices need to be approved by me. If my child had chosen to sit and be angry for 8 minutes instead of playing, that choice is still theirs to make. Having me judge it isn’t going to help the situation.

👨‍👨‍👦‍👦Celebrate their victories as much as possible. Do we have to share their enthusiasm for Minecraft? No. But we can cheer them on all the same. Then, in a calm moment, we can reflect with them about how things felt, what worked or didn’t, and what they can do next time.

The big thing is this: I do NOT pay attention to tourist attractions, or the places everyone says you “have to go to”.

Because, put simply: those things rarely reflect what my family and I actually enjoy doing.

So, I focus on one thing: how do I want to FEEL?

What are the things I enjoy doing, how do I feel when I do those things, is that how I want to feel in this place I’m visiting, and what would make me feel that way?

For example, I enjoy certain types of music. I don’t enjoy all live music, I have to like the music itself. So instead of going to THE music festival everyone says you have to go to, I look up bands I like, styles of music I like, and see if there’s any concerts happening that align with those interests.

Which is how I ended up at a ska festival made up of entirely Japanese bands.

I care about culture, but not necessarily ancient culture. I like the things that are interesting, unique, or make me go “wait…why is that a thing here?” That’s how we ended up in a make-your-own-fake-food class where we made our own wax models just like you see outside most Japanese restaurants.

It’s not that the top tourist sites aren’t worth going to. I’ve gone to the Eiffel Tower, because my child wanted to see it. We went to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa, we went to MOMA and saw Starry Night. We went to the Nintendo museum but skipped Super Mario World at Universal Studios. Why? Because I knew those things would align with our interests and the things we enjoy about those media.

And the reality is, if you skip a “must do” tourist attraction and regret it, it will more than likely still be there next time. That’s less true for the less-common things that may have a bigger impact.

Now don’t get me wrong- we are often prioritizing important things, and things that are not fun but are necessary. But if we are constantly putting the things our kids likes after the things WE think are important, we are essentially saying that their priorities aren’t actually important.

This doesn’t mean we would let them watch TV as much as they want. If we said “first we do homework, then we’ll play a board game” we probably wouldn’t let homework drag on for 3 hours, we would cap it. So, if we’re going to keep an eye on the time anyway, why not flip it around? Experiment with starting with the “fun” thing, then doing the less fun thing.

“But then they won’t want to go do the important stuff!” Yeah but they don’t want to do it first either. That’s not stopping us from forcing the important stuff first, is it? And- hear me out- there’s a chance that you may learn your kid actually does better by having something like screen time before necessary tasks. After all, we often do that for ourselves right? If our kids can learn that they need 30-60 minutes of some down time before diving into soccer or piano or algebra, that’s an AMAZING thing to learn! We WANT them to know that as they go into high school, college, and the real world.

And it’s much better that they experiment with this within the safety of our households, instead of having to figure it out on their own in a few years.

I was traveling all summer so this was the only device I had access to and I didn’t miss my MacBook Air a single time. To be honest, for most people including myself, the higher end processing capabilities of nicer (and pricier) computers are often not essential. But it’s hard to get a computer that is sleek, has ample storage and adequate ram, without trying to get the “top tier” model.

What really put this into perspective for me was the price compared with other common options: Most student Chromebooks are in the $200 range (give or take). New Chromebooks given to students in my school district run around $275-300. At the end of 4 years of use, they are often too slow to be functional for another 4 years of high school, let alone college. And the lack of software flexibility with Chromebooks makes it hard for it to be a primary device, despite how affordable they are.

My “high end” teacher Chromebook that I use at work has almost identical specs to the MacBook Neo, and both have “high end” processing chips, but the MacBook Neo’s is 33% faster, more energy efficient, and yet the two devices cost the SAME amount (the Chromebook was actually more expensive when it was new).

And thanks to Apple Arcade, you can access thousands of games and play them through an inexpensive subscription. All Apple Arcade games are ad and micro transaction free, making them a safe choice for people of all ages. I love how many indie games are featured on Apple Arcade, and even when I had Apple Arcade running with multiple browser windows and my Steam library open in the background, I had no issues with performance.

This is not sponsored, I don’t get to keep this computer (sadly) so this is really my true thoughts. For me, this would be my go-to recommendation for an older teen or someone headed to college, especially knowing it’s not so expensive that it would be a constant worry about getting lost or damaged. If you have any questions or experiences with this device, please add them to the comments!

In fact, you may want to let your kids have EXTRA screen time (or a “summer” amount) for a week or two.

Why?! Isn’t this the time to get back to “normal”?

Short answer: yes. Longer answer: adults often underestimate how taxing the back to school transition can be for kids.

There is a lot of demand in a school day, but there is also a huge loss of autonomy for kids, and they may- reasonably- need ways of adjusting to that normal routine.

Just as we have to set ourselves up for success by laying things out the night before, setting our alarm a few minutes earlier, or meal prepping, we may also do things like saying yes to takeout, or vegging on the couch with a movie as we get used to routine.

Kids are the same. And if we try to flip a switch and instantly go back to “normal” in all areas of their lives at once, it may be too much.

We may let them know that we will go back to their typically screen time routine, but we can also be flexible. In fact, for tweens and older kids it can be a great way of helping them get in touch with what they need during this period. They may THINK they need extra screen time, and we can say yes, then provide other regulating or calming things like playing a board game or reading together.

And then we can check in: how did those activities feel? Which was more or less helpful? What did they notice?

The point of this isn’t to bombard them, but to help build their own introspection about what works for them in a given situation. That’s a lifelong skill, both on a screen, and off.

We were planning to return to Japan, a country we spend a lot of time in, and our child had built up enough skills and independence that we knew this might be the year they would do things truly independently from us. They might want to take the local train to the next stop and go to an arcade. They might want to go home while I run an errand on the way home. In order for that to feel safe, we wanted a smartwatch we could use to reach them if needed, track their location if necessary, and allow them to communicate with safe people we approved of.

But it turns out the major smartwatch brands don’t allow you to use them both domestically and internationally. Except the one we chose: the TickTalk 5 (not an affiliate link).

Despite a digital interface, what I love most about this is that it’s NOT very slick. It’s not as intuitive or futuristic as other brands. Most of its features are kind of boring and in line with other kids watches: stopwatch, calculator, camera, basic messaging (including SMS), pedometer. In the US it also allows for music streaming through I Heart Radio.

But for our purposes it’s been great; I’ve loved exchanging messages and voice memos with WB. I also adore the fact that more than one adult can access and use the parental portal- the labor of setting up and maintaining the settings doesn’t fall on one person this way. The parental settings allow for bedtimes, content approval, and monitoring of the use of the device, and how much freedom kids have on the device, such as only having access to canned message responses vs being able to write or record their own.

If you do choose to look into this for your family, please note this uses physical SIM cards, not watch or digital SIM cards. This is not cheap- about $160, which puts it in line with other higher end kids smartwatches. And as I’ve noted before, being able to drop nearly $200 on a proprietary device that is likely just a placeholder for a few years, is an incredible privilege. Many families can’t afford that, which is one reason they may choose to give their child access to a smartphone that another family member may no longer need.

but it only worked because I took my child to another country.

We spent a lot of our summer traveling, and people often ask “what do you do while you’re gone for that long?” I always say “we live our boring life in a less boring place” but the other reality is: my kid can live a very different life.

In many other countries (including Japan, where we were) kids are often expected to be more independent, but the burden of that is not placed directly on parents. Public transit is expansive and affordable, public parks and services offer low or no cost after school care options, street design is pedestrian centered, speed limits are lower, etc.

I don’t have a distrust of my neighbors or fellow Americans. I have a distrust of a system that has shown its priorities to be profits and blame over the needs of people.

If zoning in my neighborhood allowed for local businesses to be within walking distance, my child would use them. If intersections leading to public parks had to have crosswalk signals, my child would use them. If there was more than one bus an hour leading into our closest neighboring city, it would be something teens could rely on.

None of these are individual failings. None of these are overprotection. Blame doesn’t help, but focusing on the barriers at play could lead to easy, actionable steps that would not only improve lives, but likely cut down on technology use as well.

When we introduce something to our kids, we want them to be able to enjoy what we’re giving them, but we also want them to be successful and safe.

When we give them something like a new toy, we may *wish* they could pick up the toy and be immediately successful, but in many cases even toys involve skills.

So, what do we do? We set them up for success. We don’t give them a baseball and then tell them to practice throwing it right outside a glass window. We model how to use it, we learn alongside them, we help them notice the feedback they’re getting from the toy and what it might mean, and we show them how adjusting to that feedback can make the experience more enjoyable.

And, as they get better at something like a juggling toy or a yoyo, we back off, knowing that they can use the toy safely with the skills they’re building.

This same approach is helpful for technology: just as we would have kids practice this toy over carpeting instead of tile or wood floor, we can give our kids curated online experiences that allow them to explore and experiment, while remaining safe.

This might mean using technology in shared spaces, or with a monitored or shared account. And it also often means utilizing the parental controls and settings available on technology, while actively giving kids a chance to practice skills like speaking politely online with family members or in-real-life friends, before giving them access to interacting with strangers.

For in-depth, detailed strategies on how to set your kids up safely while empowering them for the future, be sure to check out chapter 7 of my new book “Power On: Managing Screen Time to Benefit the Whole Family”, out August 26!.

Everyone will have different desires from parental controls. The newly announced controls will continue to allow caregivers to approve ALL new app downloads both free and paid (this is possible currently) and will also allow caregivers to approve websites that their child requests to visit, if you desire to use this feature.

But most critically devices for users under 13 will start with parental control restrictions already on by default, optional up to age 18. This will include an onboarding process for the caregiver including picking what apps the device starts out with.

I think this is huge and will hopefully lead to other hardware manufacturers doing the same. And my hope is that if the devices are restrictive by default, companies will make the settings far easier and more transparent for caregivers to understand. Easier controls, more transparency, and safer kids are all wins in my book. What do you think?

😎It’s summer (or maybe not quite yet) and that means freedom, relaxation, and a loss of routine. So how do we handle screen time in summer? Do we keep the routine or throw it all out?

💪🏼In my opinion, how we handle summer screen time can be a total game changer.

🤷🏻‍♂️Instead of focusing on adhering to routine or relaxing it, think of what YOU need from screen time. Maybe it’s to help lighten your load, put a break in the day for your kids, or other needs that just don’t occur during the school year.

⏰Whatever you decide for what would be best, try to find ways to keep or make the screen time predictable. Note that this doesn’t mean rigid or identical every day, nor does it even mean it always has to be based on time of day. Whether it’s bound to a time of day, an occurrence, or a situation, we can still maintain some predictability that helps our kids know what to expect.

🧒🏼And when we know what WE need to get out of screen time, we can also decide what (if anything) our kids can decide. The more say or input they can give, the more buy in they will have. This is also a great way to model how you evaluate and make these decisions for your family so our kids can begin building that skill for the future.

Having seen thousands of school devices, Chromebooks just…aren’t it, for me. They aren’t as versatile as we’d often hope, they have extremely limited storage, they aren’t powerful enough for entertainment use like watching content or playing games, and after a couple of years they’re so slow they’re basically unusable.

So when I heard that Apple had a new laptop that was priced at only $500 (with the $100 student/teacher discount) I was really interested. Skeptical even.

The MacBook Neo is much more akin to a MacBook Air than a Chromebook in terms of storage, capability, and processing. Plus as an Apple product, if you have an Apple Arcade subscription, you’ll have access to thousands of microtransaction and ad-free games, which you can play across all your Apple devices. Though it’s not a true “Gaming PC” contender, it would certainly be enough for casual gaming.

I’m using this device for free as a loan from Apple, and so far I truly can’t tell the difference between this and my MacBook Air. Plus the bright colors remind me of old iMacs and iBooks which I love.

If you are interested in a computer for your teen or tween and don’t want to go with something with only a few years of viability like a Chromebook, the MacBook Neo may be a very viable option. If you have questions about it please drop them below and I’ll give updates as I use it this summer.

For years, on our designated days, my child cleans every toilet in our house. This includes wiping it down, ensuring it’s clean, and scrubbing the bowl.

Not once have I ever rewarded them for this. And if they asked if they could have extra screen time for example, I’d say no. Why? Because in short, I don’t want to send the message that participation in a home is extra or deserving of a reward. It’s worthy of doing because it’s worthy of doing.

Do they WANT to clean toilets every time? No. But I don’t want to clean either! We participate together, we race each other, we set a timer on our Alexa, or we find some other way of making it “fun”.

I know some people reward their kids with screens or a movie night or something depending on completing chores, reading books, or doing homework without being asked. If that works for your family, I’m thrilled for you, this isn’t criticism. I know for some kids a reward is great. But what I am very cognizant of is the association of a reward with a desired behavior. Because if what we want is a kid who grows into an adult who participates in the upkeep of their home, rewarding them might not accomplish that. It might instead mean our kid will expect to be rewarded for participating in the care of the home, or may see it as optional.

And one thing I feel is adding to this is the way we may socialize AFAB children versus AMAB children. Are we more likely to reward a child we are socializing as a boy because we feel like we have to convince or coerce him to participate in home care? Do we treat chores as a given for AFAB children and expect them to notice and participate in those things with more regularity?

I don't expect my child to be intrinsically motivated to clean toilets. I’m not. But I do have an intrinsic sense of PURPOSE of cleaning my house, and that is hard to cultivate if a child’s reason for doing it is to access a reward.

The question I ask myself with rewards is: am I ok with this being a long-term association? If so, then go for it. If not, maybe look for an alternative.

Do you use screens as a reward?

Wonder why your kid thinks screen time so special? It could be because adults are treating screens as special.

🤔This doesn’t mean we praise screens or think of them as highly as kids do. Treating screens as special can happen when we restrict regular access to games, treat them unpredictably, or put them on a pedestal.

🚩When we treat screens this way, the message we’re sending to kids is: “ this thing you like, is special and off-limits”And that can make kids MORE likely to beg or sneak to gain access to screens.

👉🏻Swipe to see the difference between “special” and “not so special” framing and the messages it sends to our kids.

🕝If you’re working on making this change in your home, remember this is not an overnight transition. If a child is used to games being “special”, it may take several weeks for them to gain trust in this new framing around games. They need time to see that their access to games will be consistent not conditional.

Have you made any changes in your home to make screens less special? How did it go? Tell me below.

One that I noticed and really surprised me, is consent. Yep, consent.

I noticed that a lot of the interactions you have with Pokemon in the game are asking how they are, what they need, and offering them things. Pokemon offer you things in return, and accept or decline offers. None of them apologize for saying no, none force you or other Pokemon to do something they don’t want to.

Consent can be tricky to discuss with kids, especially kids who are “too young” to be encountering consent in relationships. And when we try to discuss consent it can feel like. heavy topic, and kids can shut down.

So, instead, meet them where they’re at. In the video you can see how I address conversations about consent simply based on what the characters said in the game.

What if you don’t play Pokemon? Neither do I! You don’t need to “know” who every character is, you don’t need to know what all the words mean. It’s actually an advantage that you don’t! Ignore the words you don’t know, and focus on the themes you see, like if a character asks another if they’re ok with something, or if a character does NOT listen to another.

We can talk about consent simply by asking questions like “why are they asking that?” or “are they listening to the other person? How can you tell?” or “if someone asked you that/spoke to you that way, how would it make you feel?” And then talk about a situation you might see that apply to in the rest of your child’s life.

Do you have other do this every day? No! If you can find a few minutes every now and then, you can connect based on their interests and also show how the skills and topics that come up in leisure activities can improve and inform the rest of our lives.

I’m no defender of EdTech, since many EdTech tools seem like attempts for private companies to monetize on public ed and attempt to replace teachers, largely with AI driven tools.

But, like any tool, EdTech is a tool. And attempting to categorize it as one “thing” is about as useful as categorizing all teachers, all students, or all textbooks as single entities.

Most tools come down to how you use them; when EdTech is used as a replacement or substitute for things that didn’t really need replacing, such as replacing handwritten notes with typing in a Google Doc, then that probably isn’t going to make kids more engaged or result in better test scores. And when EdTech is essentially replacing differentiated instruction- when a teacher provides individualized teaching or reteaching based on their expertise and student needs- with algorithmically driven questions, that’s probably not going to help either.

But there are EdTech tools that can be used in thoughtful and meaningful ways, and that mostly comes down to the teacher, the students, and the overall environment. So if your child is using EdTech, talk to them about it! Do they like it? Why? How is it different or similar to getting a lesson from their teacher?

And of course, talk to teachers as well, not to poke holes in their argument but to understand. Some teachers get no training in these tools, others may get comprehensive training. Some may find the data helpful, some may not. When we better understand a tool and its uses, we’re more likely to support teachers and students and what they may need, whether it’s EdTech or analog.

Have you ever seen your child playing a game, maybe a calm, educational game, but when you look at the screen you see they’re trying to drive off a cliff or annoying an in-game character to see what will happen?

Relax, your child is not starting their villain origin story. In fact, chances are you did the same thing yourself. Don’t believe me? See some recent childhood gaming confessions from my audience:

That’s right, destructive, violent, weird, or otherwise “wrong” play isn’t new, and it isn’t unique to video games. As long as kids have played, they’ve played some weird stuff.

And even if you weren’t the type to push limits in video games- I can still remember the horror I felt when I realized I’d accidentally starved my Tamagotchi- you probably played a storyline or idea that you knew wouldn’t be ok to do “for real”. And chances are, you did it specifically because you knew it wouldn’t be ok in the real world.

I’ve collected these confessions several times over the years and I’ve gotta say, drowning Sims is the number one confession, so if that was you, you’re in good company.

It has been shown in studies that i-Ready and similar tools do not increase student comprehension or test scores at least not to the degree claimed by these companies. The studies that DO show an increase in test scores tend to be paid for by the company, or, tend to show outcomes that are very small, or are not shown in at-risk or underperforming student groups.

But that’s not why they’re getting sued. Instead, they’re getting sued for allegedly selling student data to 3rd party companies.

This sounds bad, but, hear me out, this lawsuit probably is going to make things worse.

EdTech companies (and all public ed employees and companies) have to be FERPA compliant- the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. While not perfect, any data that Curriculum Associates is giving to 3rd party companies is "de-identified" and focuses on student scores. In short, they are likely using anonymized student data to “improve” their product through use of gen AI tools.

I don’t think this is good, to be clear, but suing these companies for doing arguably legal things with student data is not going to get rid of too much EdTech. It’s not going to pay paraprofessionals more than the national average of a measly $19 per hour. It’s not going to provide the tens of millions necessary to update physical materials like textbooks so that teachers have an alternative to online curricula.

Honestly, it will probably make these companies write firmer contracts, making it harder to avoid these products.

But this brings up a really important broader point: should parents be able to consent (or not consent) to the use of their child’s data? FERPA allows schools to do this on behalf of parents which could sound like an overreach. But if we were to give parents the right to consent to use of student data, that has some very tricky implications that could easily become a quagmire of “parental rights” overlapping with the role of public education.

I maintain that it’s generally better to ask: how can I get MORE of what I want, instead of how can I try to get rid of what I don’t want. And I think EdTech is a good example. Parents need to advocate for MORE electives, more books, more librarians, more interventionists, and from that will come a conversation about what to have less of.

My answer is the same as it always is: focus on the skill.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again: there are 4 overarching skills I think my child needs to have when interacting with something potentially unsafe (Which is basically everything, let’s be honest):

1. Literacy (familiarity and fluency)

2. Critical Thinking (evaluation, skepticism, asking questions)

3. Risk assessment (what is a risk, what is the size of the risk, is this the time to take this risk, what are the consequences, etc.)

4. When and how to ask for help

I want my child to have these skills with academics, such as knowing a subject, thinking about the information presented to them critically, knowing what to do when they don’t understand and when is the right time to do it, and how to advocate for what they need.

I also want them to have those skills when talking with friends in real life at a party that’s getting out of hand, when talking with a potential future romantic partner who is asking for intimate photos or texts, and with strangers online.

So if we’re worried about interactions with strangers online, let’s focus on the skill, remove the technology, and we’re with pretty clear goals: understand how chats work and who they’re interacting with, know what to share and what to keep private, know what questions strangers should or shouldn’t ask (versus friends or family), and know what to do if someone crosses an unsafe boundary.

“But the reason it’s unsafe is BECAUSE of the technology” you think “you can’t just take out the tech”. My point in removing the tech from the equation is to help us focus in on the skill we’re worried about. If our kid needs help with risk assessment, we can build that skill through sports, through crossing the street, through spending money out of a budget, through guessing on a test, AND through technology. By talking with kids about “risky behavior” instead of “the risks of technology” we help them see the crossover, so they understand that risk isn’t always about the medium, even if the medium changes the risk factors.

🧠Think of it like a physical space, like a video game- boundaries are the coded rules and barriers of a space. We are aware of them from the beginning, they’re consistent, and they don’t change based on our behavior. We can interact with them, we can push them, we can complain about them, but they do not change.

🤯On the other hand, if a rule changes based on our behavior (Ex: “you were rude in the car, no TV today”) then that boundary is no longer clear or dependable. It’s not conditional on a child’s behavior but is also conditional on *our feelings and emotions as adults*.

💪🏼For me, having clear boundaries not only helps my child but it helps ME fall back on the clear rules and boundaries I’ve already set, so that I don’t contradict myself or make an impulsive decision based on my own dysregulation.

🫠Of course, the tough thing about boundaries is that we can only prove they exist by *enforcing them*. An invisible wall in a video game only exists if we run into it to prove it’s there. Similarly, a child can only know our boundaries are real and enforced by testing them and ensuring we will enforce them.

🙈If we place the responsibility of enforcing a boundary on our child, we are asking them to do *our job* and that may not be appropriate given their age or development.

🔥ALL families are different! All children and brains are different. Some of my “not boundaries” examples could still be useful for some families especially with kids who need a bit more responsibility or feeling of choice. We may start by strictly enforcing a time limit and then try saying “ok time to turn it off!” and it may work fine! That might mean our child has learned the boundary well enough that they can now enforce it themselves- that’s great! That’s a skill we want them to have as they grow. But if we find ourselves getting into a power struggle it may be a sign that we may have to step in and reinforce that boundary, even temporarily.